Fear.

So. Much. Fear.

But, really though… I’m afraid of everything.

I’m afraid of what you think of me. Afraid to leave a bad impression. Afraid you won’t like me. Afraid to fail.

I’m so afraid of this, that I’ve spent the past months crawling inside journals, attempting to cultivate “perfect posts;” ones that will impress you, and convince you that I’m worthy of a spot in the blogosphere. I sit here now, while the youngest watches Boss Baby, and am deciding to swallow that fear.

I came to help. I came to be authentic. I hope we can all grow.

Fuck you, fear. Let’s get real.

I’ve been an emotional disaster since splitting from my ex-husband. That was in February, which puts me right at the 6 month mark. Some days, I can’t seem to think about anything else. His touch haunts my memory. The way we would fall into each others arms, look into each others eyes. They way I loved him. It was all so very real, and at some points, divinely magical. I’m certain that he was meant to be in my life. For me, there has never been a love like this, which makes letting go that much more difficult. More fear really… fear that I’ll never love like that again.

He tortures me.

The days where I become wrapped up in our connection are immediately followed by clear signs that we simply cannot be together.

Two people who speak completely different languages.

I’m speaking the language of the heart: open and raw, with faith and hope. I’m accepting others for who they are and where they’re at, “loving them as they are,” with a sincere desire for us to GROW together. I do not fear what I do not understand; I explore it.

He, on the other hand, takes a more guarded approach: carefully choosing what he will share with others; cultivating arguments to build up a point (even if that means lying), condemning and criticizing others of where they’re at, and constantly seeking to understand (why can’t he see that the UNDERSTANDING will NEVER come from within the confines of his brain- history shows- it sucks up there!!).

Basically, he relies on his head, and I rely on my heart. I don’t think he can trust his thinking, and he thinks I should try to feel less.

This, mixed with his continued dishonesty (mostly surrounding the new girlfriend), and his complete lack of care help me let go.

— Just in the past month, this dude DID NOT KNOW it was my eldest daughter’s birthday (the day I became a mother), OR that it was the anniversary of my return to sanity (2 years without a drink – a friggin miracle whether he knew it or not). Last week, when trying to justify having the girlfriend around our daughter (which we obviously agreed to not do), he told me that they’ve been together for 5 months. Did I mention that we’ve been separated for 6? UGH.

That’s not love.

Or, at least it’s not the kind of love I want, or that I believe the universe wants for me. I love with every part of me. Fiercely, passionately, deeply, and unreservedly; with honest intentions and an abundance of care. I deserve to be loved the same way.

I fear the loss of my family.
The nightly dinners and laughs around the table, the game nights, the outings, all the fun and bonding. I fear him creating this with someone else and her child(ren). I fear him forgetting about and replacing us. I fear he has already done this.
I fear that his ability to move on so quickly, dismissing the family that we created, means that none of it was real to him. I fear that I was the only one in love.

Today, I can keep my eyes wide open, and learn from the mistakes of my past. I can take what I’ve learned from that relationship, and apply it for good in all my other relationships. I can let go of someone (who is really amazing) when I know that the “feeling” isn’t there – freeing them to find love elsewhere, and not living out of the fear to be alone. I can also see where I’m creating a fantasy abound my ex – a picture that was never a reality. A love that was one-sided, and while real for me, meant very little to him. Today, I can choose who is in my life. Not being dominated by the fear of being unliked or excluded, I can choose my company wisely, and give my time and attention to those who are willing to love me as I am.

I choose to let go of fear.

But without fear, I’m falling. All in an instant, I realize the fear was giving me something to cling to, and now I feel even more lost.

Faith conquers fear.

God- please help me.