So. Much. Fear.

But, really though… I’m afraid of everything.

I’m afraid of what you think of me. Afraid to leave a bad impression. Afraid you won’t like me. Afraid to fail.

I’m so afraid of this, that I’ve spent the past months crawling inside journals, attempting to cultivate “perfect posts;” ones that will impress you, and convince you that I’m worthy of a spot in the blogosphere. I sit here now, while the youngest watches Boss Baby, and am deciding to swallow that fear.

I came to help. I came to be authentic. I hope we can all grow.

Fuck you, fear. Let’s get real.

I’ve been an emotional disaster since splitting from my ex-husband. That was in February, which puts me right at the 6 month mark. Some days, I can’t seem to think about anything else. His touch haunts my memory. The way we would fall into each others arms, look into each others eyes. They way I loved him. It was all so very real, and at some points, divinely magical. I’m certain that he was meant to be in my life. For me, there has never been a love like this, which makes letting go that much more difficult. More fear really… fear that I’ll never love like that again.

He tortures me.

The days where I become wrapped up in our connection are immediately followed by clear signs that we simply cannot be together.

Two people who speak completely different languages.

I’m speaking the language of the heart: open and raw, with faith and hope. I’m accepting others for who they are and where they’re at, “loving them as they are,” with a sincere desire for us to GROW together. I do not fear what I do not understand; I explore it.

He, on the other hand, takes a more guarded approach: carefully choosing what he will share with others; cultivating arguments to build up a point (even if that means lying), condemning and criticizing others of where they’re at, and constantly seeking to understand (why can’t he see that the UNDERSTANDING will NEVER come from within the confines of his brain- history shows- it sucks up there!!).

Basically, he relies on his head, and I rely on my heart. I don’t think he can trust his thinking, and he thinks I should try to feel less.

This, mixed with his continued dishonesty (mostly surrounding the new girlfriend), and his complete lack of care help me let go.

— Just in the past month, this dude DID NOT KNOW it was my eldest daughter’s birthday (the day I became a mother), OR that it was the anniversary of my return to sanity (2 years without a drink – a friggin miracle whether he knew it or not). Last week, when trying to justify having the girlfriend around our daughter (which we obviously agreed to not do), he told me that they’ve been together for 5 months. Did I mention that we’ve been separated for 6? UGH.

That’s not love.

Or, at least it’s not the kind of love I want, or that I believe the universe wants for me. I love with every part of me. Fiercely, passionately, deeply, and unreservedly; with honest intentions and an abundance of care. I deserve to be loved the same way.

I fear the loss of my family.
The nightly dinners and laughs around the table, the game nights, the outings, all the fun and bonding. I fear him creating this with someone else and her child(ren). I fear him forgetting about and replacing us. I fear he has already done this.
I fear that his ability to move on so quickly, dismissing the family that we created, means that none of it was real to him. I fear that I was the only one in love.

Today, I can keep my eyes wide open, and learn from the mistakes of my past. I can take what I’ve learned from that relationship, and apply it for good in all my other relationships. I can let go of someone (who is really amazing) when I know that the “feeling” isn’t there – freeing them to find love elsewhere, and not living out of the fear to be alone. I can also see where I’m creating a fantasy abound my ex – a picture that was never a reality. A love that was one-sided, and while real for me, meant very little to him. Today, I can choose who is in my life. Not being dominated by the fear of being unliked or excluded, I can choose my company wisely, and give my time and attention to those who are willing to love me as I am.

I choose to let go of fear.

But without fear, I’m falling. All in an instant, I realize the fear was giving me something to cling to, and now I feel even more lost.

Faith conquers fear.

God- please help me.

You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.

Marcus Aurelius

When I found myself in my first 12 step meeting, I was pretty certain that my life had reached the ultimate low. It felt as if there would be no recovering from the mess that I was in, that there was no “saving” me.

The lowest of the low, the worse of the worse, and I had no idea what to do.

Having never been around any sort of “step program,” I really didn’t know what I was in for. It turns out, I was in a room full of people who were really just trying to live better lives. People who wanted their first thought to be of others, who were actually striving to grow, change, and improve; and who were talking about things that I had never heard openly discussed. Issues I had, up until this point, deemed only appropriate to be discussed from the safety of an armchair in a psychologists office, or maybe with your “bestie” after 2 bottles of wine.

These people told me that I was the problem. That I let others rule my life, and it hurts me. That I had never really looked at myself, and that, if I would just try to gain some perspective – humility, they called it – that I may just have a chance to live a life better than I could’ve hoped for.

So, it turns out that these 12 Steps help me grow in ways I never imagined, and can (and should) be applied in all areas of my life today – especially when it comes to raising tiny humans. So here they are… the 12 Steps of Parenting:

1. Admit that you are powerless – over any one and (almost) any thing. Tiny humans run your life now. They are always watching. There is no escape.
   
2. Start to believe that you don’t know everything. Let that shit sink in.
   
3. Find something to believe in, and pray to it all the time. Really ask for help. Call on Ancestors, Gods, Ghosts, or Inner Wisdom; accept that your way hasn’t worked, and ask to be given willingness to follow theirs instead.
4. See where you’ve messed up. Examine situations closely. Identify where you’ve acted selfishly (usually out of fear). Find where you’ve been wrong.
   
5. Tell someone else what a shitty parent you’ve been. Don’t hold anything back.
   
6. Check your motives. Selfish and fear-based behaviors have to GO! Look for the self-serving tendencies and defense mechanisms that keep you from being a better parent.
   
7. Practice mindfulness. Work to eliminate low motives and harmful behavior. Pray for help.
   
8. Remain mindful. Keep course. When the kids act like jerks, remember that no one else can control your actions. Use these disturbances as a chance to learn something else about yourself.
   
9. Talk to your kids about how you’ve been in the past, and how you can now see the error of those ways. ONLY discuss YOUR bad behavior. Allow your child(ren) the freedom to discuss anything that my be burdening them. Ask them how you can do better.
10. Continue to apologize for mistakes as-necessary. Own when you’re wrong, and when your internal being feels out of control. Of your kids watch you own mistakes, make apologies, & practicing self-regulation, they might just do the same!
    
11. Set aside time to pray and meditate every day. Preferably more than once a day. Tell your kids this is what you’re doing. Encourage them to join (if applicable). Do not be shy about your need to connect to a higher consciousness.
    
12. Having noticed that peace has been restored in your home; that your child(ren) are becoming happier, healthier, more respectful, more self-confident, and kinder humans – that you’re no longer feeling overwhelmed by the day-to-day challenges of parenting – share the “secret” with other parents. Don’t be shy about how you’ve found a way to see past yourself and your little plans, to now focus on a bigger picture and most profound level of happiness. Live life to the fullest.

Talk it out. Be honest. Stay connected to others, and ask for help.

Be Humble.

Adapted from the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Those steps saved my life – I mean no disrespect.

Hi! You came to meet me? Awesome. 🙂

Who am I?  Nobody really.  I’m just another mom, trying to figure out how to mom. A daughter, learning how to be a daughter, a friend learning to be a friend, a lover learning how to love, a fighter learning to cease fighting.

I’m a vessel of light and love, trying to bathe in the light of the Divine, despite this terrible human condition of mine.

My new favorite t-shirt.  To buy it (for $18) click <a href=”http://Womens I’m Mostly Peace Love And Light And A Little Go Yoga V-Neck T-Shirt“>here

Why a blog? Why now?

I mean… Honestly… There is aaaall of that time I spent listening to my ex-husband telling me that I should start a blog.  How he constantly talked of my “potential.” Obsessively wanting me to “do more.” Yeah, it does feel good to write now; when neither he nor anyone else will have an eye or say over what I write (muahaahahaha).

But is vengeance my only motivation?

Hell nah.

I’ve learned some things since getting sober (and divorced), and I think they may be things that can help you, too.

Lots of people tell me that I have a “way with words,” and “natural wisdom.” Ok, great! But how does that help anyone?! What do I do with that?!

Frankly, I spend hours a week writing in a journal (learning more about myself each day). Over the past few years, I’ve also been sharing these journal entries and self-revelations with friends (part of that whole 12-step recovery thing), and learning that my experience can be of great benefit to them, too!

I’ve also learned that the more I give freely, the more I receive. If I remain grateful and keep a servants heart, I may not be spoiled by these great blessings.

I really just hope the un-cut me helps lead you to your truest you.

We’re all in this together.